觉得超感动滴。。。＿|￣|○
http://www.geocities.co.jp/Milkyway-Aquarius/7075/index.html
Monday, January 30, 2006
IvonoxEstashia log 003
I can't sleep.
I was having nightmares last few days. Probably thinking about too much things before I sleep. I worry and I'm sad, I'm down. Things are getting complicated and I can't understand them all.
@ My ability to comprehend something is somehow weak and everytime I'm making people fed up with me. Then I'm scared to talk to them again. I cared too much what people said, what people talk, and what will be their reaction. I'm too sensitive and everytime I'm making myself nervous.
@ I'm thinking too much.
@ I'm thinking too much about my future. I wanted everything to be perfect. I knew that will never be going to happen.
@ I'm thinking too much.
@ Thus I can't sleep.
I can't sleep.
I can't sleep..
I can't sleep...
I wanted to sleep... =.="
Ok, I'm trying to sleep now... (*suddenly Madonna's song - Hung Up flashed in my mind*)
Good night... ... ...
I was having nightmares last few days. Probably thinking about too much things before I sleep. I worry and I'm sad, I'm down. Things are getting complicated and I can't understand them all.
@ My ability to comprehend something is somehow weak and everytime I'm making people fed up with me. Then I'm scared to talk to them again. I cared too much what people said, what people talk, and what will be their reaction. I'm too sensitive and everytime I'm making myself nervous.
@ I'm thinking too much.
@ I'm thinking too much about my future. I wanted everything to be perfect. I knew that will never be going to happen.
@ I'm thinking too much.
@ Thus I can't sleep.
I can't sleep.
I can't sleep..
I can't sleep...
I wanted to sleep... =.="
Ok, I'm trying to sleep now... (*suddenly Madonna's song - Hung Up flashed in my mind*)
Good night... ... ...
Friday, January 27, 2006
SidMeierAlphaCentauri Quotes
##Opening Quotation
#OPENING
Therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden.
He drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden
of Eden Cherubim, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to
keep the way of the tree of life.
^
^ -- The Conclave Bible,
^ Datalinks
##Transcendent Thought
#TECH88
^ Eternity lies ahead of us, and behind.
^ Have you drunk your fill?
^
^ -- Lady Deirdre Skye,
^ "Conversations with Planet", Epilogue
##The Ascetic Virtues
#PROJECT13
Learn to overcome the crass demands of flesh and bone, for they
warp the matrix through which we perceive the world. Extend your
awareness outward, beyond the self of body, to embrace the self
of group and the self of humanity. The goals of the group and the
greater race are transcendent, and to embrace them is to achieve
enlightenment.
^
^ -- Chairman Sheng-ji Yang,
^ "Essays on Mind and Matter"
##Ascent to Transcendence
#PROJECT32
No longer mere earthbeings and planetbeings are we, but bright
children of the stars! And together we shall dance in and out
of ten billion years, celebrating the gift of consciousness until
the stars themselves grow cold and weary, and our thoughts turn
again to the beginning.
^
^ -- Lady Deirdre Skye,
^ "Conversations with Planet"
#OPENING
Therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden.
He drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden
of Eden Cherubim, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to
keep the way of the tree of life.
^
^ -- The Conclave Bible,
^ Datalinks
##Transcendent Thought
#TECH88
^ Eternity lies ahead of us, and behind.
^ Have you drunk your fill?
^
^ -- Lady Deirdre Skye,
^ "Conversations with Planet", Epilogue
##The Ascetic Virtues
#PROJECT13
Learn to overcome the crass demands of flesh and bone, for they
warp the matrix through which we perceive the world. Extend your
awareness outward, beyond the self of body, to embrace the self
of group and the self of humanity. The goals of the group and the
greater race are transcendent, and to embrace them is to achieve
enlightenment.
^
^ -- Chairman Sheng-ji Yang,
^ "Essays on Mind and Matter"
##Ascent to Transcendence
#PROJECT32
No longer mere earthbeings and planetbeings are we, but bright
children of the stars! And together we shall dance in and out
of ten billion years, celebrating the gift of consciousness until
the stars themselves grow cold and weary, and our thoughts turn
again to the beginning.
^
^ -- Lady Deirdre Skye,
^ "Conversations with Planet"
Monday, January 23, 2006
IvonoxEstashia log 002
Stereotyping.
People always have this bad habit. It's same to everyone. They always assume something and make hypothesis about you.
I always have stress to speak with this type of people. They assume you're old you, treat you as old you. Assumption are always made up with reasoning, assumption without logic reason gives nothing but rubbish.
There are always have people who always have the bad ego in their attitude. They're self-centered and never concern on something small. The effect is bad, you can hardly talking to them, they thought themself are talking 'high-level-language', but they just s**ks. I hate them.
Some people who always thought they knew all about you. But still, in their mind, you are always old you. So they'll always critic you without reasons. They thought you're a rich fella who just know how to spend money. They thought you don't know how to handle anything or situations. They're stuborn, yet stupid. I hate them.
They s**ks. I hate them all.
Just don't want to spend anymore time thinking what I'm doing wrong.
Not my fault, it's their fault.
Go to hell. F88k you.
People always have this bad habit. It's same to everyone. They always assume something and make hypothesis about you.
I always have stress to speak with this type of people. They assume you're old you, treat you as old you. Assumption are always made up with reasoning, assumption without logic reason gives nothing but rubbish.
There are always have people who always have the bad ego in their attitude. They're self-centered and never concern on something small. The effect is bad, you can hardly talking to them, they thought themself are talking 'high-level-language', but they just s**ks. I hate them.
Some people who always thought they knew all about you. But still, in their mind, you are always old you. So they'll always critic you without reasons. They thought you're a rich fella who just know how to spend money. They thought you don't know how to handle anything or situations. They're stuborn, yet stupid. I hate them.
They s**ks. I hate them all.
Just don't want to spend anymore time thinking what I'm doing wrong.
Not my fault, it's their fault.
Go to hell. F88k you.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
The Next Princess - Blissonic
Lol... of course I can't read this thai language. But this song is nice and interesting, please download it: http://www.savefile.com/projects2.php?fid=7952676&pid=610692. It mention about a princess who're going to be rescued by a prince. And she waited and waited for him... All the lyrics are interesting and so do the musics as well. This song has been at the top of a couple of chart including [v]channel. Anyone pls help find the mtv? ^_^.
Blissonic
เพลง: เจ้าหญิงคนต่อไป
*เนิ่นนานที่ฉันยังแปลกใจ เหตุใดเจ้าหญิงต้องรอเจ้าชาย
แล้ววันหนึ่งตัวฉันได้มีโอกาสได้เดินเข้าไป
ข้างในปราสาทที่มีเจ้าหญิง ถูกขังอยู่บนหอคอย
ด้วยเวทมนตร์ที่เหมือนไม่มีเหตุผล ของใครสักคน
และต้องทุกข์ทน จนกว่าที่จะมีใคร ใครสักคน
ต้องทนอีกนานแค่ไหน ต้องทนอีกนานเท่าไหร่
แล้ววันหนึ่งก็มีเจ้าชาย ที่ไม่เกรงกลัวกับอันตราย
กวัดแกว่างดาบคู่กาย หมายจะทำลายคำสาป
ทันใดที่เจ้าหญิงได้ยินดังนั้น ก็วิ่งออกไปที่ริมระเบียง
หวังเพียงที่จะได้พบ เจ้าชายที่รอมาแสนนาน
การรอคอยคงจบวันนี้ พอทีกับความทรมาน
เจ้าหญิงรอคอยเจ้าชายอยู่บนนี้ รอคอยเจ้าชายมาเนิ่นนานเต็มที
วันนี้จะเป็นวันสุดท้าย วันที่เวทมนตร์หมดความหมาย
วันที่จะไปจากหอคอยนี้ได้ ขึ้นอยู่กับเจ้าชาย
เจ้าชายรูปงามไม่กลัวปีศาจร้าย มีทั้งกายและใจที่เข้มแข็ง
ปีศาจร้ายกำลังเริ่มอ่อนแรง ถูกแทงเข้าตรงกลางหัวใจ
เจ้าหญิงตะโกนเธอรออยู่บนนี้ เจ้าชายแหงนมองขึ้นมาในทันใด
ปีศาจร้ายยังไม่ทันจะสิ้นใจ ลอบทำร้ายเจ้าชายในทันใด
และแล้วเรื่องราวมันเริ่มเลวร้าย จากรอยยิ้มที่เคยมีเริ่มจางหาย
เลือดไหลซึมออกจากกาย เจ้าชายทรุดลงตรงพื้นดิน
เจ้าหญิงนิ่งไปในทันใด เจ้าหญิงจะทำอย่างไรต่อจากนี้
เจ้าหญิงจะทำอย่างไรต่อไปดี เมื่อไม่มีเจ้าชาย
(Solo)
เจ้าหญิงจะไม่รอคอยเจ้าชายแล้ว จะไม่รอคอยอยู่บนนี้
จะข้ามกำแพง เพื่อจะไปหา เจ้าหญิงกำลังจะไปหา
กำลังจะเดินทางข้ามนภา ไปหาเจ้าชาย
และเรื่องนี้ก็เดินมาจนวันสุดท้าย ไม่เหลือเจ้าหญิงเจ้าชายแล้ว
ไม่เหลืออะไร นอกจากตัวฉัน ที่ยืนมองดูอยู่บนนี้
อยู่บนหอคอยที่ไม่มีทางออก ไม่มีทางออก
ฉันเป็นเจ้าหญิงคนต่อไป......
( * )
For a long time that i still surprise, why does the princess must wait for the prince.
Til one day that i've an oportunity to walk through.
Walk to the castle that princess was imprison on the top of tower.
With a black magic of someone. and she was very suffer.
Til the day that she'll meet someone. but when?
Till this day the prince is come here and swing his sword to break the curse, with brave and never scare any danger.
Suddenly after the princess known that. she run out to balcony with a little hope to meet him. today is the end of waitng and no more pain.
The princess is waiting here. and wait for too much time.
But now it's over. the magic is meaningless. the day to go outside.
It's up to the prince. The handsome prince who got brave and strong soul and never scare anythings.
Now the devil is going to weak. and a sword of the pince is pierce in the middle of devil's heart.
The princess is shout that she waiting here. the prince is look up suddenly to hers.
But the devil still breathing so it sneak to hurt him.
and now the story is going bad. And smile is fadding away.
A blood bleeding and now the prince sinking on the ground. the princess is motionless imedietly
How does she do from now on? How to? when she doen't has a prince.
The pricess won't wait for the prince from here again. she'll arcoss the wall to find him. she's going to cross the sky. and now the last chapter is coming. no more prince or princess. no more anything except myself that standing on this tower. it's no way out. it's no way out.
i'm the next princess ....
Blissonic
เพลง: เจ้าหญิงคนต่อไป
*เนิ่นนานที่ฉันยังแปลกใจ เหตุใดเจ้าหญิงต้องรอเจ้าชาย
แล้ววันหนึ่งตัวฉันได้มีโอกาสได้เดินเข้าไป
ข้างในปราสาทที่มีเจ้าหญิง ถูกขังอยู่บนหอคอย
ด้วยเวทมนตร์ที่เหมือนไม่มีเหตุผล ของใครสักคน
และต้องทุกข์ทน จนกว่าที่จะมีใคร ใครสักคน
ต้องทนอีกนานแค่ไหน ต้องทนอีกนานเท่าไหร่
แล้ววันหนึ่งก็มีเจ้าชาย ที่ไม่เกรงกลัวกับอันตราย
กวัดแกว่างดาบคู่กาย หมายจะทำลายคำสาป
ทันใดที่เจ้าหญิงได้ยินดังนั้น ก็วิ่งออกไปที่ริมระเบียง
หวังเพียงที่จะได้พบ เจ้าชายที่รอมาแสนนาน
การรอคอยคงจบวันนี้ พอทีกับความทรมาน
เจ้าหญิงรอคอยเจ้าชายอยู่บนนี้ รอคอยเจ้าชายมาเนิ่นนานเต็มที
วันนี้จะเป็นวันสุดท้าย วันที่เวทมนตร์หมดความหมาย
วันที่จะไปจากหอคอยนี้ได้ ขึ้นอยู่กับเจ้าชาย
เจ้าชายรูปงามไม่กลัวปีศาจร้าย มีทั้งกายและใจที่เข้มแข็ง
ปีศาจร้ายกำลังเริ่มอ่อนแรง ถูกแทงเข้าตรงกลางหัวใจ
เจ้าหญิงตะโกนเธอรออยู่บนนี้ เจ้าชายแหงนมองขึ้นมาในทันใด
ปีศาจร้ายยังไม่ทันจะสิ้นใจ ลอบทำร้ายเจ้าชายในทันใด
และแล้วเรื่องราวมันเริ่มเลวร้าย จากรอยยิ้มที่เคยมีเริ่มจางหาย
เลือดไหลซึมออกจากกาย เจ้าชายทรุดลงตรงพื้นดิน
เจ้าหญิงนิ่งไปในทันใด เจ้าหญิงจะทำอย่างไรต่อจากนี้
เจ้าหญิงจะทำอย่างไรต่อไปดี เมื่อไม่มีเจ้าชาย
(Solo)
เจ้าหญิงจะไม่รอคอยเจ้าชายแล้ว จะไม่รอคอยอยู่บนนี้
จะข้ามกำแพง เพื่อจะไปหา เจ้าหญิงกำลังจะไปหา
กำลังจะเดินทางข้ามนภา ไปหาเจ้าชาย
และเรื่องนี้ก็เดินมาจนวันสุดท้าย ไม่เหลือเจ้าหญิงเจ้าชายแล้ว
ไม่เหลืออะไร นอกจากตัวฉัน ที่ยืนมองดูอยู่บนนี้
อยู่บนหอคอยที่ไม่มีทางออก ไม่มีทางออก
ฉันเป็นเจ้าหญิงคนต่อไป......
( * )
For a long time that i still surprise, why does the princess must wait for the prince.
Til one day that i've an oportunity to walk through.
Walk to the castle that princess was imprison on the top of tower.
With a black magic of someone. and she was very suffer.
Til the day that she'll meet someone. but when?
Till this day the prince is come here and swing his sword to break the curse, with brave and never scare any danger.
Suddenly after the princess known that. she run out to balcony with a little hope to meet him. today is the end of waitng and no more pain.
The princess is waiting here. and wait for too much time.
But now it's over. the magic is meaningless. the day to go outside.
It's up to the prince. The handsome prince who got brave and strong soul and never scare anythings.
Now the devil is going to weak. and a sword of the pince is pierce in the middle of devil's heart.
The princess is shout that she waiting here. the prince is look up suddenly to hers.
But the devil still breathing so it sneak to hurt him.
and now the story is going bad. And smile is fadding away.
A blood bleeding and now the prince sinking on the ground. the princess is motionless imedietly
How does she do from now on? How to? when she doen't has a prince.
The pricess won't wait for the prince from here again. she'll arcoss the wall to find him. she's going to cross the sky. and now the last chapter is coming. no more prince or princess. no more anything except myself that standing on this tower. it's no way out. it's no way out.
i'm the next princess ....
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
IvonoxEstashia log 001
That day after the JLPT 4th grade exam, I felt relieve. I don't know why I like Japanese that much, and I don't know that what is my purpose to learn it. Yet, I like it very much. And then after exam, I've put aside all the stuff and continued returning back for my academic study.
I've learnt much these days, I've learnt to accept, and I've learnt to deny. Somehow, sometimes I feel that I have the chance to accept, but sometimes there is not. The feeling of grabing hold of something is that imaginative, untouchable. If you grabbed hold of it, you wouldn't know what would be happen next. But if you didn't, maybe you'll lose a chance. There is no such rule which state that something good is always good for you.
I knew that I didn't have a good communication skill. And after all these, I felt that it's not that I don't really have it, but I'm just simply don't want to admit, don't want to accept and don't want to improve, and yet simply assume that I'll not improving anymore. But things do change, world around you change, so I just can't say that something is static continue to be static, this is no physics. Because we are dynamic.
Everything is dynamic.
I'm a little childish sometimes. I'm not always speak the truth. I'm always influenced by people, providing that there is reasons and the reasons will always overwhelme my thinking. I don't have my own stand (even though I really have). Because my stand is always weak and breakable.
Once there was a light that always guided me. But somehow the light keep fading and I keep on falling. Everytime I fall I feel the pain, the pain keep on reminding me not to repeat any mistake. But in reality everything is different. They are not ideal, and we can't assume any ideal case. Because they are no reality.
Just like my recent case, a tissue factory called me to change and change my design because everytime there was a technical problems. But I really wanted to learn, wanted to learn about the printing stuff. While I edited the design, I again learnt some new things, and now he said he wanted to abandon the design, how could I accept that? I was trying my best to pass up my work, but yet he wanted everything to be perfect. Or maybe some other time I'll redo everything and pass up again, not sure whether the president have already told them to stop everything... Hopefully I still can pass up my final technical-problem-free design...
That was my work before going back hometown here.
And now, it's holiday finally. Just wanted to keep away all my pressure and stress out of me and enjoy this moment. And I'm upgrading my Japanese by reading the compositions. And yea, forgot to mention that since I'm here in Malaysia, the chance to absorb it is very small, and that's what I called untouchable, and imaginative.
And yea, I didn't know that since when I started to hate this place... (or maybe influence?? lol...) I hate Malaysia, I hate my hometown... And you can call I discriminate type of people, but I'm getting more and more bored to this place already. Perhaps I do not belongs to here...
There is just too much out there to learn.
Am I overreacted?
Am I sound like an old-tale-telling folk?
I just speak my heart.
CNY is just around the corner, I don't have any feeling about it. Every year the event is just alike, they're all the same. Visiting people, people observe what had changed, and what remain unchanged, people complement to each other, people wanted to eat, people wanted to earn, while I don't really feel any thing great. I wanted to be alone. but actually my heart told me that I wanted something more precious. Mmm... what was my resolution for 2006 again ar?... change?... nah, I've change a lot since I left secondary... dream? hehe.. wanted to earn a lot of money? Nah... I can't really earn money now... wanted to know more friends? maybe... travel? Iksh... again.. no money... hehe.. this is like an cycle... no earn money = no travel = boring. money = travel and shopping = happie ^_^ zzzz....
So what's next that will happen to me in 2006?
No one knows...
(But I'm the one who make decisions... what should I choose?)
Happy holidays, and happy chinese new year.
I've learnt much these days, I've learnt to accept, and I've learnt to deny. Somehow, sometimes I feel that I have the chance to accept, but sometimes there is not. The feeling of grabing hold of something is that imaginative, untouchable. If you grabbed hold of it, you wouldn't know what would be happen next. But if you didn't, maybe you'll lose a chance. There is no such rule which state that something good is always good for you.
I knew that I didn't have a good communication skill. And after all these, I felt that it's not that I don't really have it, but I'm just simply don't want to admit, don't want to accept and don't want to improve, and yet simply assume that I'll not improving anymore. But things do change, world around you change, so I just can't say that something is static continue to be static, this is no physics. Because we are dynamic.
Everything is dynamic.
I'm a little childish sometimes. I'm not always speak the truth. I'm always influenced by people, providing that there is reasons and the reasons will always overwhelme my thinking. I don't have my own stand (even though I really have). Because my stand is always weak and breakable.
Once there was a light that always guided me. But somehow the light keep fading and I keep on falling. Everytime I fall I feel the pain, the pain keep on reminding me not to repeat any mistake. But in reality everything is different. They are not ideal, and we can't assume any ideal case. Because they are no reality.
Just like my recent case, a tissue factory called me to change and change my design because everytime there was a technical problems. But I really wanted to learn, wanted to learn about the printing stuff. While I edited the design, I again learnt some new things, and now he said he wanted to abandon the design, how could I accept that? I was trying my best to pass up my work, but yet he wanted everything to be perfect. Or maybe some other time I'll redo everything and pass up again, not sure whether the president have already told them to stop everything... Hopefully I still can pass up my final technical-problem-free design...
That was my work before going back hometown here.
And now, it's holiday finally. Just wanted to keep away all my pressure and stress out of me and enjoy this moment. And I'm upgrading my Japanese by reading the compositions. And yea, forgot to mention that since I'm here in Malaysia, the chance to absorb it is very small, and that's what I called untouchable, and imaginative.
And yea, I didn't know that since when I started to hate this place... (or maybe influence?? lol...) I hate Malaysia, I hate my hometown... And you can call I discriminate type of people, but I'm getting more and more bored to this place already. Perhaps I do not belongs to here...
There is just too much out there to learn.
Am I overreacted?
Am I sound like an old-tale-telling folk?
I just speak my heart.
CNY is just around the corner, I don't have any feeling about it. Every year the event is just alike, they're all the same. Visiting people, people observe what had changed, and what remain unchanged, people complement to each other, people wanted to eat, people wanted to earn, while I don't really feel any thing great. I wanted to be alone. but actually my heart told me that I wanted something more precious. Mmm... what was my resolution for 2006 again ar?... change?... nah, I've change a lot since I left secondary... dream? hehe.. wanted to earn a lot of money? Nah... I can't really earn money now... wanted to know more friends? maybe... travel? Iksh... again.. no money... hehe.. this is like an cycle... no earn money = no travel = boring. money = travel and shopping = happie ^_^ zzzz....
So what's next that will happen to me in 2006?
No one knows...
(But I'm the one who make decisions... what should I choose?)
Happy holidays, and happy chinese new year.
Monday, January 9, 2006
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Dearest: Merry Christmas~
I'm acting a little strange recently. I can't describe the feeling of the chemical reaction inside me. I feel like I'm not me.
I hate to deal with people. Because I always like to be alone, thus that's why I can't improve myself. Sometimes I'm doing things wrong, but it becomes better in the end, and sometimes vice versa. I, don't know how to grab chances, that's why the things I should have earlier, is fading, just besides of me.
It's not that I feel like I'm not grabbing it, but I felt that I'm not suppose to grab it, and it's not belongs to mine, and cannot before I realise it, and understand it. I can't regret after I've understand it. While I'm too confortable for the things I have. I scare to change. I scare to turn something normal to bad.
I feel like want to find someone whom I can trust. I feel like want to find someone whom I can voice my heart. I feel like earning money. I fee like chasing dreams.
I'm just too greedy, that's why all couldn't be succeded.
Merry christmas ^_^ For you, that you may never see this post.
Wednesday, December 7, 2005
Things...
1. Don't complains about life.
2. Say 'hi' to at least 1 stranger everyday.
3. Travel.
4. Find a partnership.
5. Learn to communicate in english. Normal english at least.
6. Memorize the script.
7. Own a greenhouse.
8. Learn to plant cherry tomatoes.
9. Collect my favourite genre of animes.
10.Don't hesitate about making every decisions.
11.Be braver.
12.Go shopping in Ginza.
13.Rear some kittens.
14.Study the gibberish languages, C++zzz...
15.Make money.
16.Work out everyday.
17.Increase weight the healthier way.
18.Design a game.
19.Get more sleep.
20.Cook the most delicious spaghetti.
21.Go to pub.
22.Learn to play piano.
23.Drink more water.
24.Finish the novels which stacked in my room.
25.Get more truthful friends.
26.Care for skin.
27.Design and become famous.
28.Program and become famous.
29.Go back hometown to stay with family.
30.Get my braces off.
31.Eat sushi.
32.Go to Hong Kong.
33.Expand my bandwidth.
34.Go swimming.
35.Buy a swatch watch.
36.Buy the Japanese clothing style t-shirt.
37.Go hiking.
38.Learn diving in Pulau Redang.
39.Get a car.
40.Get a life.
41.Play PS2 games in computer.
42.Go shopping in JJ.
43.Visit australia.
44.Make a list of goals for the next 5-10 years of my life and achieve them all.
45.Exercise regularly.
46.Live a simple life and take it day by day.
47.Take vitamins.
48.Spend more time chatting with family.
49.Be a better friend.
50.See an aurora borealis.
51.Learn to scrapbook.
52.Learn more about astronomy and using telescopes.
53.Be more fashionable.
54.Sleep under the stars.
55.Have better posture.
56.Add work out training set from 3 to 5.
57.Grow a vegetable garden.
58.Mend broken friendships.
59.Avoid certain people.
60.Build my dream house in my dream.
61.Learn to swim, in more effective way.
62.Learn butterfly style.
63.Try piggy jump.
64.Design my own computer.
65.Go to view the sunset.
66.Travel to kyoto.
67.Get some sleep.
68.Do hair treatment.
69.Be more enthusiastic.
70.Play basketball.
2. Say 'hi' to at least 1 stranger everyday.
3. Travel.
4. Find a partnership.
5. Learn to communicate in english. Normal english at least.
6. Memorize the script.
7. Own a greenhouse.
8. Learn to plant cherry tomatoes.
9. Collect my favourite genre of animes.
10.Don't hesitate about making every decisions.
11.Be braver.
12.Go shopping in Ginza.
13.Rear some kittens.
14.Study the gibberish languages, C++zzz...
15.Make money.
16.Work out everyday.
17.Increase weight the healthier way.
18.Design a game.
19.Get more sleep.
20.Cook the most delicious spaghetti.
21.Go to pub.
22.Learn to play piano.
23.Drink more water.
24.Finish the novels which stacked in my room.
25.Get more truthful friends.
26.Care for skin.
27.Design and become famous.
28.Program and become famous.
29.Go back hometown to stay with family.
30.Get my braces off.
31.Eat sushi.
32.Go to Hong Kong.
33.Expand my bandwidth.
34.Go swimming.
35.Buy a swatch watch.
36.Buy the Japanese clothing style t-shirt.
37.Go hiking.
38.Learn diving in Pulau Redang.
39.Get a car.
40.Get a life.
41.Play PS2 games in computer.
42.Go shopping in JJ.
43.Visit australia.
44.Make a list of goals for the next 5-10 years of my life and achieve them all.
45.Exercise regularly.
46.Live a simple life and take it day by day.
47.Take vitamins.
48.Spend more time chatting with family.
49.Be a better friend.
50.See an aurora borealis.
51.Learn to scrapbook.
52.Learn more about astronomy and using telescopes.
53.Be more fashionable.
54.Sleep under the stars.
55.Have better posture.
56.Add work out training set from 3 to 5.
57.Grow a vegetable garden.
58.Mend broken friendships.
59.Avoid certain people.
60.Build my dream house in my dream.
61.Learn to swim, in more effective way.
62.Learn butterfly style.
63.Try piggy jump.
64.Design my own computer.
65.Go to view the sunset.
66.Travel to kyoto.
67.Get some sleep.
68.Do hair treatment.
69.Be more enthusiastic.
70.Play basketball.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Untitled, again...
I realized that I'm not that perfect.
And even the most fundamental thing I can't handle or maintain.
I'm relying on others.
I'm stupid, because I don't know this all along.
I'm wondering, how can I be smarter? In terms of charisma and knowledge.
I'm wondering, why I must be smarter?
And the purpose is the most fundamental thing for all these to happen.
That is: Why I'm asking this question.
Because I'm not perfect.
So I tried my best to maintain my confidence.
Or maybe the word normalize my behaviour is the best term to describe here.
Normalize my behaviour towards maintaining friendship,
normalize my attitude towards talking and judging...
whether which one can be trusted.
Maybe I've talking too much sometimes about others people,
and I'm wondering,
what is the perpose I'm doing this.
That's the time I realize that all these are wrong.
I'm the one who are responsible for myself.
I'm the one who make the decision.
And I'm the one who decide whether the decision is correct or not.
Therefore I must 100%ly confirm that every move I made is perfect, and flawless.
Never make the mistake again!
And also,
this world rely on maintaining the 'waveform' and 'eternity',
you just can't put all your efford in the beginning,
and end it without anything,
there will have no end,
if you are playing the chess,
the most professional move is to maintaining,
maintaining every pieces on the board so that everyone remains.
And I must maintain to the time where it shall stop.
And even the most fundamental thing I can't handle or maintain.
I'm relying on others.
I'm stupid, because I don't know this all along.
I'm wondering, how can I be smarter? In terms of charisma and knowledge.
I'm wondering, why I must be smarter?
And the purpose is the most fundamental thing for all these to happen.
That is: Why I'm asking this question.
Because I'm not perfect.
So I tried my best to maintain my confidence.
Or maybe the word normalize my behaviour is the best term to describe here.
Normalize my behaviour towards maintaining friendship,
normalize my attitude towards talking and judging...
whether which one can be trusted.
Maybe I've talking too much sometimes about others people,
and I'm wondering,
what is the perpose I'm doing this.
That's the time I realize that all these are wrong.
I'm the one who are responsible for myself.
I'm the one who make the decision.
And I'm the one who decide whether the decision is correct or not.
Therefore I must 100%ly confirm that every move I made is perfect, and flawless.
Never make the mistake again!
And also,
this world rely on maintaining the 'waveform' and 'eternity',
you just can't put all your efford in the beginning,
and end it without anything,
there will have no end,
if you are playing the chess,
the most professional move is to maintaining,
maintaining every pieces on the board so that everyone remains.
And I must maintain to the time where it shall stop.
Monday, November 21, 2005
MonoNoctorus Theory #2: Once there was a light...
It's nice to look at you at far distance,
though you might not notice.
It's nice to speak with you,
though sometimes mostly we speak of work rather than personal things.
It's nice I'm watching you change in this period of time,
though I'm not involved in it.
I know you are the best and I just can't compare you to me,
I didn't dare to look at you, when you're watching me,
I'm afraid to speak to you, and my heart is beating fast when I did that,
I was scared, you'll be lost in my sight, having me alone in this darkness,
And I'm alone again, though I seemed to be always alone in this darkness.
You know, 1 is the loneliest number, yet it's full with passion.
The passion guide him forward to the front line of everybody else,
But sometimes the so called 'love' make him blind,
in this period of time, in this moment.
Yet he's waiting... for the utmost important thing, the identity.
To make him a perfect man.
Or maybe... this world is always not perfect...
yea... always...
that's why I turn my love into hate,
turn my hate into ignorance and furiousity,
but please forgive me,
for what I've done,
to you... ... ...
though you might not notice.
It's nice to speak with you,
though sometimes mostly we speak of work rather than personal things.
It's nice I'm watching you change in this period of time,
though I'm not involved in it.
I know you are the best and I just can't compare you to me,
I didn't dare to look at you, when you're watching me,
I'm afraid to speak to you, and my heart is beating fast when I did that,
I was scared, you'll be lost in my sight, having me alone in this darkness,
And I'm alone again, though I seemed to be always alone in this darkness.
You know, 1 is the loneliest number, yet it's full with passion.
The passion guide him forward to the front line of everybody else,
But sometimes the so called 'love' make him blind,
in this period of time, in this moment.
Yet he's waiting... for the utmost important thing, the identity.
To make him a perfect man.
Or maybe... this world is always not perfect...
yea... always...
that's why I turn my love into hate,
turn my hate into ignorance and furiousity,
but please forgive me,
for what I've done,
to you... ... ...
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
MonoNoctorus Theory #1: Advancement and Change, Balancing and Normalizing.
[Projects:]
Starman_Tribal_2001 [Completed]
ReplicatorMagic_2002 [Completed]
Orev_Iagon_Magic_2003 [Completed]
LiviaTenda_DeepHeart_2004 [Completed]
MonoNoctorus_2005 [In progress]
ExperiorNoctorus_2006 [Started]
Favilin_Densetsu_2007 [Unknown]
Hybrid_DeForm_2008 [Unknown]
[Untitled, Again:]
::The story begins with [Starman_Tribal_2001]::
I think I'm weird, thus make myself weirder.
I'm weak in express myself, I learn it from other people. I'm a mere replicator, pretender.
::The story continues with [ReplicatorMagic_2002]::
Everytime I just told myself to upgrade, in way of different than others, thus more faster, and I guess I might get crazy one day.
Sometimes I'm thinking whether is this the best way of my life, is that I'll get the best outcome of my efford I put in, or all of these works is just a piece of rubbish.
::Slight changes started with [Orev_Iagon_Magic_2003]::
I'm timid, I'll save myself first than other peoples. I'm a demon. I'm not myself, anymore.
I don't know how to act, don't really pro in lying(but sometimes I did), but everytime people just don't believes.
I have no sense of humour, but I'm a sensitive person, I can observe and make analysis if you give me time, while not making any movement or changes to my observe/analysis, or maybe I'll just get far away from the bad one. I just like to think using my brain when I'm free. I guess I just like to be alone, most of the time.
::Turning point of my life, the realization with [LiviaTenda_DeepHeart_2004]::
So basically I'm nothing, no personality and no sense of hunmour, I'm merely a blank container.
::After realization, continued to huge changes [MonoNoctorus_2005]::
I guess if I continue to behave like this I'll get nothing in the end.
I wanted to change, I wanted to advance, my heart told me.
Everytime I copied others personality, I replicate them. Thus combine into 'me'.
I do modification to my personality according to any changes depends on my experience I got from the things I've done.
I've learnt the effect of tipping the balance of something, and try to see through one thing in different angles.
I try to differentiate which thing is bad and which thing is good, but I realize there is no total good and total bad in this world, everything is just behave according to its needs, and with your efford changing them might get both good and bad outcomes.
[::Theories I made from Projects::]
Observation_Analysis_Judgement system
First Advancement Theory
Second Advancement Theory
Double Advancement Theory
Multiple Advancement Theory
Normalizing/Balancing System
ReplicatorMagic+Experience=Outcome Decision Making
Dream/Final Achievement Making
[::Future resolution::]
ExperiorNoctorus_2006 [Started]
Favilin_Densetsu_2007 [Unknown]
Hybrid_DeForm_2008 [Unknown]
I sound like robot, huh? ^_^ Next time will be another great change of me... ^_^
Towards the dream of eternity,
Towards the world we've never venture before,
Towards a better life for you, and me.
Starman_Tribal_2001 [Completed]
ReplicatorMagic_2002 [Completed]
Orev_Iagon_Magic_2003 [Completed]
LiviaTenda_DeepHeart_2004 [Completed]
MonoNoctorus_2005 [In progress]
ExperiorNoctorus_2006 [Started]
Favilin_Densetsu_2007 [Unknown]
Hybrid_DeForm_2008 [Unknown]
[Untitled, Again:]
::The story begins with [Starman_Tribal_2001]::
I think I'm weird, thus make myself weirder.
I'm weak in express myself, I learn it from other people. I'm a mere replicator, pretender.
::The story continues with [ReplicatorMagic_2002]::
Everytime I just told myself to upgrade, in way of different than others, thus more faster, and I guess I might get crazy one day.
Sometimes I'm thinking whether is this the best way of my life, is that I'll get the best outcome of my efford I put in, or all of these works is just a piece of rubbish.
::Slight changes started with [Orev_Iagon_Magic_2003]::
I'm timid, I'll save myself first than other peoples. I'm a demon. I'm not myself, anymore.
I don't know how to act, don't really pro in lying(but sometimes I did), but everytime people just don't believes.
I have no sense of humour, but I'm a sensitive person, I can observe and make analysis if you give me time, while not making any movement or changes to my observe/analysis, or maybe I'll just get far away from the bad one. I just like to think using my brain when I'm free. I guess I just like to be alone, most of the time.
::Turning point of my life, the realization with [LiviaTenda_DeepHeart_2004]::
So basically I'm nothing, no personality and no sense of hunmour, I'm merely a blank container.
::After realization, continued to huge changes [MonoNoctorus_2005]::
I guess if I continue to behave like this I'll get nothing in the end.
I wanted to change, I wanted to advance, my heart told me.
Everytime I copied others personality, I replicate them. Thus combine into 'me'.
I do modification to my personality according to any changes depends on my experience I got from the things I've done.
I've learnt the effect of tipping the balance of something, and try to see through one thing in different angles.
I try to differentiate which thing is bad and which thing is good, but I realize there is no total good and total bad in this world, everything is just behave according to its needs, and with your efford changing them might get both good and bad outcomes.
[::Theories I made from Projects::]
Observation_Analysis_Judgement system
First Advancement Theory
Second Advancement Theory
Double Advancement Theory
Multiple Advancement Theory
Normalizing/Balancing System
ReplicatorMagic+Experience=Outcome Decision Making
Dream/Final Achievement Making
[::Future resolution::]
ExperiorNoctorus_2006 [Started]
Favilin_Densetsu_2007 [Unknown]
Hybrid_DeForm_2008 [Unknown]
I sound like robot, huh? ^_^ Next time will be another great change of me... ^_^
Towards the dream of eternity,
Towards the world we've never venture before,
Towards a better life for you, and me.
Thursday, November 3, 2005
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
My untitled thoughts, continued... 6th ~ Entitled: Promise
I promised myself that I'll change in these 3 years, and I did changed, I guessed. But it's true that, everyone did change too. But in my belief, to change is to take action, to take action you must have a target to achieve, a dream to chase, and a promise to yourself.
I always ask myself: What are you going to do in the next step... What is the thing/s you wanted to change... and so on. But mostly all the time, the so called... dreams, target was always overwhelmed by 'lazyness' and 'lacking in confidence'. But luckily, I still have some instinct when the 'deadline' coming and I'll automatically force myself to continue the things I need to do.
But compares to other people, I guess I'm a bit faster in changing, physically, mentally and also attitude towards everything. But there is still something bad about me, that's the bad ego, guess I'm care too much about my face, I thought I'm greater, I'm better. That's the side effect for my change. And I've to change my 'holier-than-thou' attitude.
Currently I'm still researching whether the decision I made is correct or appropriate or not. Though it's true that every action has no complete true or false. I must make the best decision that'll make the best outcome. That's the reason of me joining Quan Wu also, that's to overcome the great pressure, to organising things better and to learn social communication. Am I still lacking in these? lol... guess I'm not satisfied with my current state, I'm always not satisfied. Arghh... life s*cks.
My dream last time: It's night with stars above me, and I'm inside a transparent house on a huge field of grasses with winds blowing towards me and holding hands, back against back with you.
This time's dream: It's 6:30 in the morning, I'm inside a bus, alone. The bus is moving, slowly and I'm watching the cloud, city and also the sun rise. Some townspeople are busing with their early shores, while I'm sitting there, watching them.
So, what's next? =.=" Another change to myself?
I always ask myself: What are you going to do in the next step... What is the thing/s you wanted to change... and so on. But mostly all the time, the so called... dreams, target was always overwhelmed by 'lazyness' and 'lacking in confidence'. But luckily, I still have some instinct when the 'deadline' coming and I'll automatically force myself to continue the things I need to do.
But compares to other people, I guess I'm a bit faster in changing, physically, mentally and also attitude towards everything. But there is still something bad about me, that's the bad ego, guess I'm care too much about my face, I thought I'm greater, I'm better. That's the side effect for my change. And I've to change my 'holier-than-thou' attitude.
Currently I'm still researching whether the decision I made is correct or appropriate or not. Though it's true that every action has no complete true or false. I must make the best decision that'll make the best outcome. That's the reason of me joining Quan Wu also, that's to overcome the great pressure, to organising things better and to learn social communication. Am I still lacking in these? lol... guess I'm not satisfied with my current state, I'm always not satisfied. Arghh... life s*cks.
My dream last time: It's night with stars above me, and I'm inside a transparent house on a huge field of grasses with winds blowing towards me and holding hands, back against back with you.
This time's dream: It's 6:30 in the morning, I'm inside a bus, alone. The bus is moving, slowly and I'm watching the cloud, city and also the sun rise. Some townspeople are busing with their early shores, while I'm sitting there, watching them.
So, what's next? =.=" Another change to myself?
Sunday, October 16, 2005
My untitled thoughts, continued... 5th ~ Untitled
Finally, the semester break has started, and I started to wonder: what's next? What is the next destination I'm going to?
Recently I realize that you can't achieve everything just because of your hardwork. It's so unreal, untouchable, and imaginary. You cannot grab hold of it, even though you've try hard to, or it's like you've cried and cried but no one will help you in the middle of this 'darkness'. Maybe it's true, maybe it's false (but for me, it's always false), you cannot distinguish it just because of your opinion, there is no total true and total false in all of your action. So I'm now in agony, mentally, because I can't make a step or action that's totally correct or true. I don't even know what is true. I'm confused.
And next, I knew my behaviour, the more i like a thing, the more I'll resist, and deny. Thus I can't make up my personality normally, I merely replicates others. (refer to post: My untitled thoughts, continued3 ~ Neverending dreams...)
And everytime, I wish there is light to guide me, to put an end to all of this 'suffering', to decide which is true and which is false but in the end, it turned out to be 'I'm the only one who can responsible for me and my actions'. Thus I hate everything, and the things that I can never reached. And I deny all of these things.
I deny, because I don't know you.
I deny, because I am scared.
I resist, because you'll harm me.
I resist, because I'm confused.
Unless, I can see into you more clearly.
Recently I realize that you can't achieve everything just because of your hardwork. It's so unreal, untouchable, and imaginary. You cannot grab hold of it, even though you've try hard to, or it's like you've cried and cried but no one will help you in the middle of this 'darkness'. Maybe it's true, maybe it's false (but for me, it's always false), you cannot distinguish it just because of your opinion, there is no total true and total false in all of your action. So I'm now in agony, mentally, because I can't make a step or action that's totally correct or true. I don't even know what is true. I'm confused.
And next, I knew my behaviour, the more i like a thing, the more I'll resist, and deny. Thus I can't make up my personality normally, I merely replicates others. (refer to post: My untitled thoughts, continued3 ~ Neverending dreams...)
And everytime, I wish there is light to guide me, to put an end to all of this 'suffering', to decide which is true and which is false but in the end, it turned out to be 'I'm the only one who can responsible for me and my actions'. Thus I hate everything, and the things that I can never reached. And I deny all of these things.
I deny, because I don't know you.
I deny, because I am scared.
I resist, because you'll harm me.
I resist, because I'm confused.
Unless, I can see into you more clearly.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Week 8 of the semester
I feel that it's time for me to do some improvement to myself. Sometimes what people said or what you hear may discourage your passion to improvement; sometimes your eyes or ears are meant to deceive you. So sometimes I made changes very fast whenever someone says something about me. But still, I need time to learn, and to distinguish the true evil which disguished themselves as good people and those people who're really my friends.
Next week I'll be having 3 exams, while I am not concern about them. Am I getting lazy or what? Plus the Quan Wu work is getting packed with activities, scared I can't manage to overcome them especially I've to guide my group, giving them opportunity to express their talent, and cooperate and communicate with them. Because this is my first time being an OC and division leader.
People said everytime we talk to people we should look into their eyes to show sincerity and honesty. But it seem like I like to move my eyes to other side when talking, is it show that I'm not honest enough?
Arghh... have to continue my journey of overcoming the stress in this reality... of true world...
Next week I'll be having 3 exams, while I am not concern about them. Am I getting lazy or what? Plus the Quan Wu work is getting packed with activities, scared I can't manage to overcome them especially I've to guide my group, giving them opportunity to express their talent, and cooperate and communicate with them. Because this is my first time being an OC and division leader.
People said everytime we talk to people we should look into their eyes to show sincerity and honesty. But it seem like I like to move my eyes to other side when talking, is it show that I'm not honest enough?
Arghh... have to continue my journey of overcoming the stress in this reality... of true world...
Thursday, August 4, 2005
Loss in heart...
I feel my heart is broken, again, after the trip. I scare I can't really affort to sustain this bleeding anymore, I scare I'll hurt myself more if I continue like this. This, has been the third time I'm having this feeling, of loss and anxiety. Word can't describe my feeling now, I'm just in terribly hurt and pain. Wonder anyone with this feeling can go through it. It's like I really can't express it out because there are certain things can't be said. And something is better left unsaid.
Yesterday I feel I need a break and called my parents to go for some shopping, yea, crazy shopping because I wanted to forgot this all. I wanted to end this sad feeling. I bought the six installation of the Harry Potter, some books, bought T-shirt and Jeans in Shinjuku and other stuff. It was a really crazy shopping, before my leaving tomorrow, back to Melacca.. Yea, now I'm treating Melacca as my home now, now really get used to it now.
Hope tomorrow will be better.
Hope everything will have a solution
Hope the one will get a better life.
Hope this is not the end...
Yesterday I feel I need a break and called my parents to go for some shopping, yea, crazy shopping because I wanted to forgot this all. I wanted to end this sad feeling. I bought the six installation of the Harry Potter, some books, bought T-shirt and Jeans in Shinjuku and other stuff. It was a really crazy shopping, before my leaving tomorrow, back to Melacca.. Yea, now I'm treating Melacca as my home now, now really get used to it now.
Hope tomorrow will be better.
Hope everything will have a solution
Hope the one will get a better life.
Hope this is not the end...
Monday, July 4, 2005
My untitled thoughts, continued4 ~ Thank you...
I can't remember the first time I met you, it's just that I didn't notice about you in the starting point. It was all very blur at that time until I can't really recognise anything about it.
But now, you've deeply affected me. Because of your kindness, and your cheerful attitude. I wanted to say, you brighten up my life.
And also because of your thinking, you've help me cleared all those impure thoughts, make all those sinful thoughts disappeared, and I feel refreshed now, because of your pure, lawful and yet innocent mind.
I'm actually making everything complicated myself, and my mind became darker before you arrived. But you're like the angel that create light pierce through my obscure mind, creating reflection through every angle of my mind.
But happy times goes very fast, until I lost track of you, and yet you've left a cut in my heart. I keep on bleeding because the nicer you treat me, the larger the cut has become.
I just can't explain these feelings.
You've deeply touched me throughout the time, and I just can't say anything for your leaving.
Thank you, for being my friend...
Thank you, for all the things you've done...
Thank you, for teaching me the things you believed...
Thank you, for changing me.
But now, you've deeply affected me. Because of your kindness, and your cheerful attitude. I wanted to say, you brighten up my life.
And also because of your thinking, you've help me cleared all those impure thoughts, make all those sinful thoughts disappeared, and I feel refreshed now, because of your pure, lawful and yet innocent mind.
I'm actually making everything complicated myself, and my mind became darker before you arrived. But you're like the angel that create light pierce through my obscure mind, creating reflection through every angle of my mind.
But happy times goes very fast, until I lost track of you, and yet you've left a cut in my heart. I keep on bleeding because the nicer you treat me, the larger the cut has become.
I just can't explain these feelings.
You've deeply touched me throughout the time, and I just can't say anything for your leaving.
Thank you, for being my friend...
Thank you, for all the things you've done...
Thank you, for teaching me the things you believed...
Thank you, for changing me.
Sunday, July 3, 2005
My untitled thoughts, continued3 ~ Neverending dreams...
Warning: text below contains influenceable elements. Read at your own risk.
I have to admit, I am not a perfect person, even though I wanted myself to be one.
I am very sad, because certain things cannot be changed, even though how much efford I put in.
I used to think that I am a demon that trapped inside this body which is not belongs to mine, and I always think that I'm a defective child of my parents... I can't get use to be... me.
I own a unique thinking that my personality is merely a replication of others behaviour, others experiences and reactions. I myself, however, do not have one. Even my thinking is made up of imitation of others. Because I envy those I imitated, I wanted to be them, I wanted their experience, I wished that their personality is mine, I wanted to snatch from them.
Am I selfish?
Or it is just that I'm nothing from the start?
I don't want to end my life like this, and I have to admit, this life isn't perfect. however, I tried very much to achieve a flawless and beautiful life.
I think perfection is perfect, but, it is always engulved by imperfections, and impurities. Thus it is always, not perfect in the end.
Sometimes I wanted to love, but there isn't any chance, for any reaction to your care and anxiousness. While I keep nothing happened, but actually I do care.
Sometimes I wanted other people to know my feeling, but I can't, because they don't understand me, and I don't know how to tell them.
Isn't that seemed stupid?
I think so...
Am I stillbe me? forever?
Am I timid or selfish? when facing sudden obstacles? Or I'm just protecting myself?
Am I have the chance to choose?
To choose whether my life is perfect or not?
To choose whether I'll not sad anymore.
To choose whether I'll not care for these all, and I'll be happy always.
I hated myself that I know all these truth, and understand them are just make my headache worse, while I keep pretending nothing happened.
Or it's true that I'm just pretender? Imitating others behaviour set, copying others experience? Am I look stupid when I tried to look cool? While I actually don't understand any thing, while I still pretend to?
I always had nostalgic dreams, when I saw the familiar images in those dreams, exploring its strangeness and anxiety, and I felt very sad after that. But then I continue to be like I'm happy.
My thinking become complicated, because I know these all, and tried to understand them maked them more complicated to comprehend. I wish I had a simpler mind and thinking, and without thinking these all, EVER.
This is my world, I really can't comment anything about them, because, I can't change them. But I keep on continue my neverending dreams, day by day, perhaps, I'll get a more understandable reasons, for my question marks in my head.
Maybe, this world is just like this...
Maybe, there will be a second chance, and second miracle...
for these neverending story, and dreams...
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