My untitled thoughts, continued... 6th ~ Entitled: Promise

I promised myself that I'll change in these 3 years, and I did changed, I guessed. But it's true that, everyone did change too. But in my belief, to change is to take action, to take action you must have a target to achieve, a dream to chase, and a promise to yourself.

I always ask myself: What are you going to do in the next step... What is the thing/s you wanted to change... and so on. But mostly all the time, the so called... dreams, target was always overwhelmed by 'lazyness' and 'lacking in confidence'. But luckily, I still have some instinct when the 'deadline' coming and I'll automatically force myself to continue the things I need to do.

But compares to other people, I guess I'm a bit faster in changing, physically, mentally and also attitude towards everything. But there is still something bad about me, that's the bad ego, guess I'm care too much about my face, I thought I'm greater, I'm better. That's the side effect for my change. And I've to change my 'holier-than-thou' attitude.

Currently I'm still researching whether the decision I made is correct or appropriate or not. Though it's true that every action has no complete true or false. I must make the best decision that'll make the best outcome. That's the reason of me joining Quan Wu also, that's to overcome the great pressure, to organising things better and to learn social communication. Am I still lacking in these? lol... guess I'm not satisfied with my current state, I'm always not satisfied. Arghh... life s*cks.

My dream last time: It's night with stars above me, and I'm inside a transparent house on a huge field of grasses with winds blowing towards me and holding hands, back against back with you.

This time's dream: It's 6:30 in the morning, I'm inside a bus, alone. The bus is moving, slowly and I'm watching the cloud, city and also the sun rise. Some townspeople are busing with their early shores, while I'm sitting there, watching them.

So, what's next? =.=" Another change to myself?

My untitled thoughts, continued... 5th ~ Untitled

Finally, the semester break has started, and I started to wonder: what's next? What is the next destination I'm going to?

Recently I realize that you can't achieve everything just because of your hardwork. It's so unreal, untouchable, and imaginary. You cannot grab hold of it, even though you've try hard to, or it's like you've cried and cried but no one will help you in the middle of this 'darkness'. Maybe it's true, maybe it's false (but for me, it's always false), you cannot distinguish it just because of your opinion, there is no total true and total false in all of your action. So I'm now in agony, mentally, because I can't make a step or action that's totally correct or true. I don't even know what is true. I'm confused.

And next, I knew my behaviour, the more i like a thing, the more I'll resist, and deny. Thus I can't make up my personality normally, I merely replicates others. (refer to post: My untitled thoughts, continued3 ~ Neverending dreams...)

And everytime, I wish there is light to guide me, to put an end to all of this 'suffering', to decide which is true and which is false but in the end, it turned out to be 'I'm the only one who can responsible for me and my actions'. Thus I hate everything, and the things that I can never reached. And I deny all of these things.

I deny, because I don't know you.
I deny, because I am scared.
I resist, because you'll harm me.
I resist, because I'm confused.

Unless, I can see into you more clearly.