My untitled thoughts, continued... 5th ~ Untitled

Finally, the semester break has started, and I started to wonder: what's next? What is the next destination I'm going to?

Recently I realize that you can't achieve everything just because of your hardwork. It's so unreal, untouchable, and imaginary. You cannot grab hold of it, even though you've try hard to, or it's like you've cried and cried but no one will help you in the middle of this 'darkness'. Maybe it's true, maybe it's false (but for me, it's always false), you cannot distinguish it just because of your opinion, there is no total true and total false in all of your action. So I'm now in agony, mentally, because I can't make a step or action that's totally correct or true. I don't even know what is true. I'm confused.

And next, I knew my behaviour, the more i like a thing, the more I'll resist, and deny. Thus I can't make up my personality normally, I merely replicates others. (refer to post: My untitled thoughts, continued3 ~ Neverending dreams...)

And everytime, I wish there is light to guide me, to put an end to all of this 'suffering', to decide which is true and which is false but in the end, it turned out to be 'I'm the only one who can responsible for me and my actions'. Thus I hate everything, and the things that I can never reached. And I deny all of these things.

I deny, because I don't know you.
I deny, because I am scared.
I resist, because you'll harm me.
I resist, because I'm confused.

Unless, I can see into you more clearly.