That day after the JLPT 4th grade exam, I felt relieve. I don't know why I like Japanese that much, and I don't know that what is my purpose to learn it. Yet, I like it very much. And then after exam, I've put aside all the stuff and continued returning back for my academic study.
I've learnt much these days, I've learnt to accept, and I've learnt to deny. Somehow, sometimes I feel that I have the chance to accept, but sometimes there is not. The feeling of grabing hold of something is that imaginative, untouchable. If you grabbed hold of it, you wouldn't know what would be happen next. But if you didn't, maybe you'll lose a chance. There is no such rule which state that something good is always good for you.
I knew that I didn't have a good communication skill. And after all these, I felt that it's not that I don't really have it, but I'm just simply don't want to admit, don't want to accept and don't want to improve, and yet simply assume that I'll not improving anymore. But things do change, world around you change, so I just can't say that something is static continue to be static, this is no physics. Because we are dynamic.
Everything is dynamic.
I'm a little childish sometimes. I'm not always speak the truth. I'm always influenced by people, providing that there is reasons and the reasons will always overwhelme my thinking. I don't have my own stand (even though I really have). Because my stand is always weak and breakable.
Once there was a light that always guided me. But somehow the light keep fading and I keep on falling. Everytime I fall I feel the pain, the pain keep on reminding me not to repeat any mistake. But in reality everything is different. They are not ideal, and we can't assume any ideal case. Because they are no reality.
Just like my recent case, a tissue factory called me to change and change my design because everytime there was a technical problems. But I really wanted to learn, wanted to learn about the printing stuff. While I edited the design, I again learnt some new things, and now he said he wanted to abandon the design, how could I accept that? I was trying my best to pass up my work, but yet he wanted everything to be perfect. Or maybe some other time I'll redo everything and pass up again, not sure whether the president have already told them to stop everything... Hopefully I still can pass up my final technical-problem-free design...
That was my work before going back hometown here.
And now, it's holiday finally. Just wanted to keep away all my pressure and stress out of me and enjoy this moment. And I'm upgrading my Japanese by reading the compositions. And yea, forgot to mention that since I'm here in Malaysia, the chance to absorb it is very small, and that's what I called untouchable, and imaginative.
And yea, I didn't know that since when I started to hate this place... (or maybe influence?? lol...) I hate Malaysia, I hate my hometown... And you can call I discriminate type of people, but I'm getting more and more bored to this place already. Perhaps I do not belongs to here...
There is just too much out there to learn.
Am I overreacted?
Am I sound like an old-tale-telling folk?
I just speak my heart.
CNY is just around the corner, I don't have any feeling about it. Every year the event is just alike, they're all the same. Visiting people, people observe what had changed, and what remain unchanged, people complement to each other, people wanted to eat, people wanted to earn, while I don't really feel any thing great. I wanted to be alone. but actually my heart told me that I wanted something more precious. Mmm... what was my resolution for 2006 again ar?... change?... nah, I've change a lot since I left secondary... dream? hehe.. wanted to earn a lot of money? Nah... I can't really earn money now... wanted to know more friends? maybe... travel? Iksh... again.. no money... hehe.. this is like an cycle... no earn money = no travel = boring. money = travel and shopping = happie ^_^ zzzz....
So what's next that will happen to me in 2006?
No one knows...
(But I'm the one who make decisions... what should I choose?)
Happy holidays, and happy chinese new year.
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