My untitled thoughts, continued3 ~ Neverending dreams...

Warning: text below contains influenceable elements. Read at your own risk.

I have to admit, I am not a perfect person, even though I wanted myself to be one.

I am very sad, because certain things cannot be changed, even though how much efford I put in.

I used to think that I am a demon that trapped inside this body which is not belongs to mine, and I always think that I'm a defective child of my parents... I can't get use to be... me.

I own a unique thinking that my personality is merely a replication of others behaviour, others experiences and reactions. I myself, however, do not have one. Even my thinking is made up of imitation of others. Because I envy those I imitated, I wanted to be them, I wanted their experience, I wished that their personality is mine, I wanted to snatch from them.

Am I selfish?

Or it is just that I'm nothing from the start?

I don't want to end my life like this, and I have to admit, this life isn't perfect. however, I tried very much to achieve a flawless and beautiful life.

I think perfection is perfect, but, it is always engulved by imperfections, and impurities. Thus it is always, not perfect in the end.

Sometimes I wanted to love, but there isn't any chance, for any reaction to your care and anxiousness. While I keep nothing happened, but actually I do care.

Sometimes I wanted other people to know my feeling, but I can't, because they don't understand me, and I don't know how to tell them.

Isn't that seemed stupid?

I think so...

Am I stillbe me? forever?
Am I timid or selfish? when facing sudden obstacles? Or I'm just protecting myself?
Am I have the chance to choose?

To choose whether my life is perfect or not?
To choose whether I'll not sad anymore.
To choose whether I'll not care for these all, and I'll be happy always.

I hated myself that I know all these truth, and understand them are just make my headache worse, while I keep pretending nothing happened.

Or it's true that I'm just pretender? Imitating others behaviour set, copying others experience? Am I look stupid when I tried to look cool? While I actually don't understand any thing, while I still pretend to?

I always had nostalgic dreams, when I saw the familiar images in those dreams, exploring its strangeness and anxiety, and I felt very sad after that. But then I continue to be like I'm happy.

My thinking become complicated, because I know these all, and tried to understand them maked them more complicated to comprehend. I wish I had a simpler mind and thinking, and without thinking these all, EVER.

This is my world, I really can't comment anything about them, because, I can't change them. But I keep on continue my neverending dreams, day by day, perhaps, I'll get a more understandable reasons, for my question marks in my head.

Maybe, this world is just like this...
Maybe, there will be a second chance, and second miracle...

for these neverending story, and dreams...